…the one person you’ve been able to count on for almost 3 years and knows you inside out, is the one person who’s betrayed you and lied to you?
I thought I’d put this here so you have the choice to read it again if you’re wanting to. All I ask is that you remember it in the fair emotion and calm manner which I spoke it to you, so the true meaning and feeling behind it isn’t lost:
"It’s taken so much courage and many countless hours of constant thought to get to this point. I know by the time I read this that my mouth will be so dry and I’ll feel so cold and shaky within myself because it’s such a scary thought. I’ve written this out, which I’m reading to you now, because I know I’ll never find the truest words to say for it in the moment, and if you don’t mind I’ll just continue speaking it to you in order to get things out in the open
I’ll first off admit that you were by far the best thing that ever happened to me. You gave me so much happiness and I will never forget the good memories we made together, and from what you’ve told me in the past and your old posts on Tumblr and lengthy text messages, I know I’ve been the best thing that’s ever happened to you too and we know each other inside and out because of the experiences we’ve shared
I remember telling you from day one that if you ever needed to speak to anyone about something bothering you, no matter how big or small it may be, I’m here any time. Now there’s been some difficulties lately involving certain people that have made me question why I’m carrying on plodding along as I am, when I know I’m not truly happy. I’ve tried to be there for you and be the nicest, most helpful person I can be. And I did that without expecting anything in return, and it’s something I’ve done that for years since we first met. But for a long time now I’ve felt it’s been thrown back in your face - not even by yourself but by your friend M***.
I know that you’ve never really been my “responsibility” and you’ve said yourself that I’m not “your carer”, nor would I ever try to be. I respect you as your own grown adult that you can look after yourself, but I would always still try to be there for you 24/7. It could be about anything, big or small, I’d be right there for you because I loved you, and after we split up I still loved you as a friend
But I feel that you still don’t talk to me or open up to me even when I’ve said countless times that you can. And even though we’re not together now, I’m trying my hardest to be there for you but I’m being showed nothing when it could be as simple as a text saying “I wanna talk about something” and I’d be there, at the drop of a hat
There’s no other way to put it than that it’s destroying me to have this constant feeling of wanting to help (and I’m not even talking as a partner but as a caring friend), but then your friend M*** is causing more damage than good. You said yourself I didn’t deserve to be called abusive and the number of other slatings he gave me when I never did anything to him, and I appreciate you sticking up for me like that so much. But it’s still unfair that it happened and it hurts me all the time to know you can carry on any relationship with him, especially being as close as you both are (perhaps more than us right now), even after I feel I’ve been attacked, and in many ways, emotionally abused by him in such a way too
Some days I can be so excited to see you and get to spend time with my favourite person in the world ever, and other times I can feel so anxious in case things get mentioned and make my feeling of content drop because of it. It’s because of this and that he keeps cropping up in my life even after I’ve done everything I can to remove him from it, I feel the need to propose that you spend some time apart from me, have a break. I think you need that in order to get your feelings straight, and only then maybe we will have some kind of future again, because continuing like it is now will only kill us slowly - and I don’t think either of us deserve that
My main point in all of this is that it’s holding me back, stopping my from moving on in any way, and in a lot of ways I think it’s stopping you from progressing with your help in depression too. And I don’t want to sound mean in any way at all, because I’m not being I promise, and please remember that I will say this as a concerned friend with all personal feelings aside. But when you turn to M***, your depressed thoughts are only being backed up by someone in the same position as you. I know you say you talk to him because he understands it, and I truly truly get that, but do you think a person like yourself suffering from depression… would *ever* be placed in the care of a severely depressed councillor? Or at a councillor who goes back to harming themselves and overdosing?
The obvious answer would be no, and again I’m not saying it to sound harsh or be mean, because that’s not who I am, I’m saying it as a concerned friend. Councillors are trained to make people suffering depressive thoughts to think logically, and to get them out of those ruts and build new habits and thought patterns. Whereas if the answer was yes, it would only perpetuate their depressive feelings, so an outside point of view is always beneficial. But my worry is that you’re not even using me for that when I’ve have said I am here for it so many times
I’m so sorry that it’s come to this, but I feel you need to really think about what you really want, and spend some time really considering what’s most important now to you. If you decide that you don’t want or can’t have me in your life then at least I can wipe the slate clean and move forward with mine, but if you do want me in your life, then now is your opportunity to take a bit of time away to go and make some changes and come back to me later when you feel you’ve done that
Please remember that I’m not shutting you out, I’m still your friend and I’ll still be here and I *am* here if ever you need to talk to someone. But until you make a choice and find where your loyalties truly lie, I thank you for the fun years we spent together and I’m sure I’ll see you soon enough. Thanks for being patient and hearing me out
Take care, and I’ll miss you”